No More Hard Work

Some people know me as someone who puts too much energy into the smallest of things; some of you see me as a really creative dood, capable of doing something that can be mind-blowing; some of you see me as capable of being extremely hard-working -- completing something that is very urgent and very important in such a way that simply saves your ass.  The bottom line is that I have always been capable of, and have shown the ability to do something that requires persistence and mind-blowing energy.  The fact that I was in a "zone", could type 100 WPM, and complete something in record-setting pace was a big hallmark of me.

The above paragraph isn't meant to demonstrate me as being arrogant, but the elicit the difference between me then and me now.  I am simply no longer that person; not because I choose to be, but because every day, every hour, every minute, I am always effected by one or more of these morbid symptoms (complications).

As I am writing this blog, I am seeing double, i am unable to take deep breaths (especially important when my body feels a deep need for air), my left eye feels very swollen, I keep feeling liquid entering my airway -- so I have to swallow, and sometimes choke; and I am dealing with the psychology that has endured 6 months of this shiet, with no end in site.  Despite the fact that my previous blogs have expressed a similar sequence of events, the mere fact that I am writing this should say something about how scary and disturbing my condition is.

During any given moment, whether you are in a meeting with executives, whether you are working with your developer, whether you are at a group offsite, whether you are sitting alone and putting together a presentation, imagine 1 or more of the following occurring -- all the time:

1) your eyes have shampoo water in them

2) you have Vicks wiped directly below your eyes

3) you currently have some chopped onions super-glued right below your eyes

4) Every 3 minutes, you feel the need to get air, only to have someone put an elastic (non-porous) sheet over your mouth (so that when you inhale you can feel your lungs expand, but no air being inhaled)

5) That there is a small piece of chicken stuck in your throat, and every time you swallow, it still stays there

6) that some liquid keeps getting in your windpipe, causing you to cough, but you have to prevent yourself from coughing cause you don't want to make a scene.  Instead, you have to swallow every 3 seconds

Now that you are imaging this, do it in real life, except do it for your rest of your life, and be sure to put for the effort in ensuring it happens all the time.  What do you think?  How would you handle this scenario?

Back in 2009, Google had a professor of Psychology visit and discuss many things about the mind and brain.  One thing that I remember, more so now, was an experiment that was done regarding dogs and imprisonment.  As dogs were locked up in a cage, they would initially try everything they could to get out.  After many failed attempts, the dogs would eventually succumb to a realization that they were always imprisoned.  Even after the cage would open, the dogs would not even attempt to walk out, because the assumption was that they were still imprisoned.  Now, you may be thinking that since I believe such a concept, that I am invariably and inherently stopping myself.  True to extent.  But, something has to be said about insanity, yes?  I can pretend that my health complications are not there, even when they are.  After so many times of thinking this way, wouldn't I be insane?  Or just stupid?

Overall, I am finding that instead of feeling confident that I can do things -- difficult things -- I am realizing that I cannot even do simple things anymore.  Actually, with the scenario I outlined before, try it yourself.  Try to engage in errands with shampoo in your eyes, while you are in distress trying to inhale air, while that piece of beef is stuck in your throat, and you are trying to get it out...