No More Hard Work

Some people know me as someone who puts too much energy into the smallest of things; some of you see me as a really creative dood, capable of doing something that can be mind-blowing; some of you see me as capable of being extremely hard-working -- completing something that is very urgent and very important in such a way that simply saves your ass.  The bottom line is that I have always been capable of, and have shown the ability to do something that requires persistence and mind-blowing energy.  The fact that I was in a "zone", could type 100 WPM, and complete something in record-setting pace was a big hallmark of me.

The above paragraph isn't meant to demonstrate me as being arrogant, but the elicit the difference between me then and me now.  I am simply no longer that person; not because I choose to be, but because every day, every hour, every minute, I am always effected by one or more of these morbid symptoms (complications).

As I am writing this blog, I am seeing double, i am unable to take deep breaths (especially important when my body feels a deep need for air), my left eye feels very swollen, I keep feeling liquid entering my airway -- so I have to swallow, and sometimes choke; and I am dealing with the psychology that has endured 6 months of this shiet, with no end in site.  Despite the fact that my previous blogs have expressed a similar sequence of events, the mere fact that I am writing this should say something about how scary and disturbing my condition is.

During any given moment, whether you are in a meeting with executives, whether you are working with your developer, whether you are at a group offsite, whether you are sitting alone and putting together a presentation, imagine 1 or more of the following occurring -- all the time:

1) your eyes have shampoo water in them

2) you have Vicks wiped directly below your eyes

3) you currently have some chopped onions super-glued right below your eyes

4) Every 3 minutes, you feel the need to get air, only to have someone put an elastic (non-porous) sheet over your mouth (so that when you inhale you can feel your lungs expand, but no air being inhaled)

5) That there is a small piece of chicken stuck in your throat, and every time you swallow, it still stays there

6) that some liquid keeps getting in your windpipe, causing you to cough, but you have to prevent yourself from coughing cause you don't want to make a scene.  Instead, you have to swallow every 3 seconds

Now that you are imaging this, do it in real life, except do it for your rest of your life, and be sure to put for the effort in ensuring it happens all the time.  What do you think?  How would you handle this scenario?

Back in 2009, Google had a professor of Psychology visit and discuss many things about the mind and brain.  One thing that I remember, more so now, was an experiment that was done regarding dogs and imprisonment.  As dogs were locked up in a cage, they would initially try everything they could to get out.  After many failed attempts, the dogs would eventually succumb to a realization that they were always imprisoned.  Even after the cage would open, the dogs would not even attempt to walk out, because the assumption was that they were still imprisoned.  Now, you may be thinking that since I believe such a concept, that I am invariably and inherently stopping myself.  True to extent.  But, something has to be said about insanity, yes?  I can pretend that my health complications are not there, even when they are.  After so many times of thinking this way, wouldn't I be insane?  Or just stupid?

Overall, I am finding that instead of feeling confident that I can do things -- difficult things -- I am realizing that I cannot even do simple things anymore.  Actually, with the scenario I outlined before, try it yourself.  Try to engage in errands with shampoo in your eyes, while you are in distress trying to inhale air, while that piece of beef is stuck in your throat, and you are trying to get it out...

A Life Destroyed

With people that I have met in various health-related forums, I have had the opportunity to share my experiences with my deteriorated health.  I have received a variety of responses, which I can easily categorize into roughly 4 different responses. There is one type of response I once-in-a-while get that easily depresses me.  This response usually goes something like this:  "If you worry about all the negative things with your health, you're just wasting your days away.  Our life is short, and focusing on the bad things doesn't do any good.  Do the most with what you have".

Although I completely understand the spirit of the individuals expressing such sentiment, here is no denying the psychological effects of the situation.  Unfortunately, yet fortunately, the people telling me this don't know what i'm going through.  I say "fortunately" because I would never want for anyone to HAVE what I have.  It's one thing to experience it, it's another thing to HAVE it.  You can pay a visit to Alcatraz as part of a tour, and be "locked up" for 1 minute as to experience what it's really like; but to really be a prisoner for life -- one wouldn't know what that is like unless they are in those shoes.  So I simply stop discussing further my situation with people that express such sentiment, and pray that they themselves never be "locked up" like myself.

Unfortunately, the chronic health problem that I have is experienced day in and day out.  Remember those times where someone told you to "suck it up"?  Where either were in some sort of physical pain or distress?  For some of you, being able to temporarily get through the pain or agony was doable, mainly because in the back of your mind you understood the situation to be temporary.

If my illness didn't physically bother me on a daily basis it would be much easier to deal with it.  At this point, I'm dealing with 5 morbid things either individually or in combination with each other.  These ailments go on and off throughout the day, or may remit for 2 days.  I don't get to choose.  As I am typing, i'm seeing double. One hour ago, I was having difficulty breathing.  All of last night, there was a persistent feeling of liquid in my windpipe, but I couldn't hock it out.  It was temporarily, permanently stuck there.  Yesterday afternoon, I kept on feeling that strained, eerie feeling in my head every moment I began to concentrate:  reading, calculating, contemplating, imagining, or even touching certain parts of my face. At this moment, my ears are subtley ringing, as they always do 80% of each day.

So to discuss the title of this post:  everything that I enjoyed, everything that liked, everything that I was into, everything that I had a passion for, everything that I endulged in, everything that I wanted to do professionally, everything that I want to do in life is -- in a sense -- gone.  Even though I still think I can bring value to company, I'm definitely not nearly the same.  I was in the midst of a career change. A change towards a career that I felt most pasionate about, and felt most confident about getting into -- because of my innate abilities, my mindset, my personality, and my faculties.  I was taking classes, learning stuff on my own, and going to events meant for this career (programming/software dev/product development).  Since I dropped out of a couple classes this summer (IOS dev and Android dev) and dropped out a group project (where my initial concept was the driving force behind the idea), I have NOT engaged in any type of education or work for this new career.  I simply can't!!!  Anyone that programs, or knows how programmers operate -- let alone anyone else who uses a computer extensively -- knows that one has to be able to have decent memory, and a clear mind that isn't constantly freaking out on someone.  Not to mention requiring the ability to see normally.

I in essence, I no longer can pursue this new career path, may have a hard time with the previous type of work I was in, am always dealing with each of these health issues, have a mortgage, have to pay property tax, have to support myself daily, have a savings that is dwindling down every day without much income coming in, cannot endulge in the many things a "normal" person could endulge in (go to a restaurant and order anything on the menu, have an ice cold brewsky, snack on some chocolate cookies, be out in 80 deg weather, etc).  Aside from the daily experience of these morbid things, I have to manage my life around NOT doing so many things.  And then there's the part of family life.

I was telling my girlfriend that if we get married, have a kid, and raise I family, I can't imagine what good I would be.  And i'm serious, but more importantly, being realistic.  Any reader may be thinking "NO!  Albert, that's not true, you can easily raise a family.  Just take it one day at a remind".  My response:  please read the above one more time, and if your mind doesn't change, read it again.  My life, professionally, personally, everything -- is gone.  I simply cannot deal with the daily stresses anymore because of all that I just mentioned.  How in the world would I be able to have a child and raise him/her?  I can't even take care of myself.  Where would the income come from?  Even if I did have a job, how can I expect to come home and be with the child, and attend to all its needs when my eyes are burning, when I'm panting to breath, when I can't swallow normally, when fluid keeps leaking into my windpipe, when concentrating causes my mind to feel so eerie and strained where I have to close my eyes and look away???

Oh, and the other problem I have to deal with is the exacerbation of all these health issues.  I CANNOT stress out, or else all of these issues blow up!   I have had to go to the ER 3x in a 3 month time period because I was having severe asthma attacks.  I cannot be in the sun for that that causes my body to react.  I cannot be in an argument, or deal with really tight deadlines where I have to stay up working till midnight.

As I am now 35, going on 36 next May, simply taking one day at a time and relaxing doesn't cut it, even if I really am taking things lightly now.  I live in the heart of the Silicon Valley where the cost of living is skyrocketing, and competition is becoming increasingly fierce for work.  I don't have a nest egg, nor can I expect for any other support to come in.  Even if I were to get disability, that wouldn't do much justice.

The End Is Near

This year represents a segment of my life that I simply cannot comprehend.  The 2nd have of the year was even worse, one that I can officially say is a time period that I -- for once -- cannot handle or overcome.  Because my health has been on a downward spiral since mid-June, every other part of my life has subsequently worsened.  Everything in my life is now on a downward spiral.

Because my health has been in jepoardy this whole time, and I have been experiencing many morbid ailments up to this point, especially on a recurring and/or come-and-go basis, there are many things that I have trouble doing.

Soon, the savings will approach 0; I may have to pay many of the doctor visits and procedures in full (because of insurance denials); I don't have any income besides unemployment coming in; my current roommate may be moving out; I don't have any remedies on the horizon; there are many cerebral- performing things I am having an incredibly tough time performing; and I am continually experiencing various morbid ailments constantly.

I am going to have to either find someone to rent my current home, or sell it altogether.  My life went from normal to being in hell every day.  I have to avoid so many different foods and liquids.  I can no longer drink alcohol, can't just innocently have some chocolate, or "accidentally" eat something really spicy.  I can no longer go swimming; can no longer go on long trips, take a plane flight, etc.  Wine tasting -- out of the question.

Wherever I am, with whoever I am with, at any point in time, I constantly have to endure the morbid symptoms of difficulty breathing (like something is purposely holding the muscles that contract to allow me to breath in air), mucus or some object always stuck in my throat, the feeling of liquid entering my airway, my eyes always feeling eerie, cold, burning, stinging, and swelling.  I'm always seeing double with each eye.  Sometimes I will go all day without eating because I am simply not hungry; other days I will be constantly hungry for 1/2 the day.  I always have to put pressure on both eye balls because there is an eerie, straining feeling that causes me to have to flex my abdomen and cover my eyes.

What happens when my savings runs out, and i've made all these changes?  Will I be homeless?  I can't imagine that I won't be homeless.  I surely can't stay with my parents.  Nor can I stay with other friends.  There really is no light at the end of the tunnel.  What happens if friends band together to support me financially?  It wouldn't do any good because my health is so fragile now, and there isn't any anticipation that it will improve.

The end is truly near, and for the first time in my life, I have no clue as to what to do.  I can't help myself, and even if I am able to, it'll be like trying to play in a football game with a sprained shoulder -- you can take a gut check for only so long.  You can only play in a game with a separated shoulder for so long.  These situations are reserved for those super prized moments where one can suck it up and help the team get through the next 10 minutes, not 50 years!

My Body is My Own Prison

Remember the days where you have a nightmare, only to wake up out of it?  Perhaps you may have a nightmare tonight.  Fortunately, the beauty of having a nightmare is that you will wake up from it, and everything will be okay.

Unfortunately, instead of waking up from a nightmare, I wake up INTO a nightmare.  To know that at the very least, I will experience problems with my eyes, with my breathing, and with my swallowing every day is a pysch job I could never have imagined.  It's one thing to describe the experience of each of these problems; but to describe how it feels to know that these morbid feelings are now a part of you everyday is -- at the very least -- devastating.  I am scared every minute, every hour, every day!  I've had roughly 5 "regular" asthma attacks between early August 2013, and mid-October 2013, and about 5 "severe" asthma attacks from late-October to present (12/17/13).  I've never been so scared in my life.  It's like the first time in my life I've been in a hell.

I recall back in high school when I joined the football team during my Freshman year.  Our workouts were "hell"; but the difference between then and now is that the workout "hell" is only temporary, and at the very worst, I could simply walk off the track to rest.  But with my swallowing problem, and my breathing problem, and my eye problem, and my sleeping problem, and my numbed cheek problem, and my burning arms problem, and my...you get the point.  Anyway, with all these problems, I can't run away from them.  It would be okay if there were very few of them, and that they weren't life-threatening (like this Asthma).

I can't imagine any higher power coming to the rescue.  I mean, there millions of people every day come across something devastating.  Why would I be an exception.  It's like i'm in this prison, on an island, and someone threw away the key.  I'm locked in this body forever.  There is no cure.  I'm pretty sure of what I have for all these ailments.  And what I have cannot be treated, and it is not recognized as causing these problems.  But when you do as much research and digging as I have done, it's quite easy to understand the reason.  It all comes down to a virus that sits latent in the body.

How does one move on with their life given these circumstances?

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

A frustrating aspect of having consultation with doctors is finding that fine line between too much information and too little. Let's face it, doctors are human, too.  Some can digest a novel in 1 hour, some Carley barely listen beyond 5 minutes; some have selective hearing, some are flat out idiots, and the list goes on.

When trying to get the doctors to understand my situation, I have tried telling my story in great detail, presenting different props that I have prepared, and providing past blood tests and what not. The problem I've faced with this method is that many doctors demonstrate behavior losing interest and/or putting up some sort of front that they understood what I have said, and them trivialize my situation. Other times I have presented far less information, and following the format with which the doctors has in mind:  ask a few questions, if there's no match with what's in their mind, them there's no problem. I'm god to go and I'm back to normal, so they think. Bitten there are those occasions where I voluntarily add some information, and them I get a response of "oh, how come u didn't mention that?"

On a separate, but related note, I have had similar difficulty with friends and family. When meeting up at various gatherings, and getting into discussing my health, I try to limit what I say, only to have people respond with interest. Such, responses, however, r expressed in a way that the person knows what I'm going through, and subsequently their advice on what to do and how I should act is spot on.  Under these circumstances, such responses are incredible demoralizing. I then feel intent on describing in greater detail what I've experienced, only to have the other person begin to zone out. So I am then stuck with a person who thinks my current health situation is not serious, nor that I am truly experiencing a very difficult situation, but when the opportunity arises where I think I can get that person to understand, they shutoff. So what I've learned is to simply not discuss how I am really doing. And when that happens, I'm simply lying when I tell the person "I'm doing great".

Moral of the story:  don't become chronically ill otherwise you're truly screwed!

Second Job

As I have had to deal with a chronic, persistent, and recurring health issue, the process of finding the root cause(s) and getting the appropriate treatment has been a nightmare, to say the least.  Through various visits, procedures, tests, and blood work, the process of trying to find the problem is non-stop.  Having to schedule appointments, travel to offices, research different doctors, progressing with my findings, and screening different doctors is a job in and of itself.  And given the morbid ailments that I have been suffering, it's impossible to think of having a second job.  This is one exception to the rule of having multiple jobs.  If my health is so bad, and i'm spending all my time, money, and whatever energy I have left over on trying to figure out my health, what more do I have to find and get a job provided my health is so jacked up???

You may be thinking that all of my ailments are simply "in the head", but imagine someone with Lyme Disease?  I'm not saying that I have that; in fact, I don't have a diagnosis for Lyme, but of all the ailments and symptoms that I have experienced over the past 6 months, that disease is the closest thing that represents what is wrong with me.  In fact, I am extremely certain that I do not have Lyme Disease.