With people that I have met in various health-related forums, I have had the opportunity to share my experiences with my deteriorated health. I have received a variety of responses, which I can easily categorize into roughly 4 different responses. There is one type of response I once-in-a-while get that easily depresses me. This response usually goes something like this: "If you worry about all the negative things with your health, you're just wasting your days away. Our life is short, and focusing on the bad things doesn't do any good. Do the most with what you have".
Although I completely understand the spirit of the individuals expressing such sentiment, here is no denying the psychological effects of the situation. Unfortunately, yet fortunately, the people telling me this don't know what i'm going through. I say "fortunately" because I would never want for anyone to HAVE what I have. It's one thing to experience it, it's another thing to HAVE it. You can pay a visit to Alcatraz as part of a tour, and be "locked up" for 1 minute as to experience what it's really like; but to really be a prisoner for life -- one wouldn't know what that is like unless they are in those shoes. So I simply stop discussing further my situation with people that express such sentiment, and pray that they themselves never be "locked up" like myself.
Unfortunately, the chronic health problem that I have is experienced day in and day out. Remember those times where someone told you to "suck it up"? Where either were in some sort of physical pain or distress? For some of you, being able to temporarily get through the pain or agony was doable, mainly because in the back of your mind you understood the situation to be temporary.
If my illness didn't physically bother me on a daily basis it would be much easier to deal with it. At this point, I'm dealing with 5 morbid things either individually or in combination with each other. These ailments go on and off throughout the day, or may remit for 2 days. I don't get to choose. As I am typing, i'm seeing double. One hour ago, I was having difficulty breathing. All of last night, there was a persistent feeling of liquid in my windpipe, but I couldn't hock it out. It was temporarily, permanently stuck there. Yesterday afternoon, I kept on feeling that strained, eerie feeling in my head every moment I began to concentrate: reading, calculating, contemplating, imagining, or even touching certain parts of my face. At this moment, my ears are subtley ringing, as they always do 80% of each day.
So to discuss the title of this post: everything that I enjoyed, everything that liked, everything that I was into, everything that I had a passion for, everything that I endulged in, everything that I wanted to do professionally, everything that I want to do in life is -- in a sense -- gone. Even though I still think I can bring value to company, I'm definitely not nearly the same. I was in the midst of a career change. A change towards a career that I felt most pasionate about, and felt most confident about getting into -- because of my innate abilities, my mindset, my personality, and my faculties. I was taking classes, learning stuff on my own, and going to events meant for this career (programming/software dev/product development). Since I dropped out of a couple classes this summer (IOS dev and Android dev) and dropped out a group project (where my initial concept was the driving force behind the idea), I have NOT engaged in any type of education or work for this new career. I simply can't!!! Anyone that programs, or knows how programmers operate -- let alone anyone else who uses a computer extensively -- knows that one has to be able to have decent memory, and a clear mind that isn't constantly freaking out on someone. Not to mention requiring the ability to see normally.
I in essence, I no longer can pursue this new career path, may have a hard time with the previous type of work I was in, am always dealing with each of these health issues, have a mortgage, have to pay property tax, have to support myself daily, have a savings that is dwindling down every day without much income coming in, cannot endulge in the many things a "normal" person could endulge in (go to a restaurant and order anything on the menu, have an ice cold brewsky, snack on some chocolate cookies, be out in 80 deg weather, etc). Aside from the daily experience of these morbid things, I have to manage my life around NOT doing so many things. And then there's the part of family life.
I was telling my girlfriend that if we get married, have a kid, and raise I family, I can't imagine what good I would be. And i'm serious, but more importantly, being realistic. Any reader may be thinking "NO! Albert, that's not true, you can easily raise a family. Just take it one day at a remind". My response: please read the above one more time, and if your mind doesn't change, read it again. My life, professionally, personally, everything -- is gone. I simply cannot deal with the daily stresses anymore because of all that I just mentioned. How in the world would I be able to have a child and raise him/her? I can't even take care of myself. Where would the income come from? Even if I did have a job, how can I expect to come home and be with the child, and attend to all its needs when my eyes are burning, when I'm panting to breath, when I can't swallow normally, when fluid keeps leaking into my windpipe, when concentrating causes my mind to feel so eerie and strained where I have to close my eyes and look away???
Oh, and the other problem I have to deal with is the exacerbation of all these health issues. I CANNOT stress out, or else all of these issues blow up! I have had to go to the ER 3x in a 3 month time period because I was having severe asthma attacks. I cannot be in the sun for that that causes my body to react. I cannot be in an argument, or deal with really tight deadlines where I have to stay up working till midnight.
As I am now 35, going on 36 next May, simply taking one day at a time and relaxing doesn't cut it, even if I really am taking things lightly now. I live in the heart of the Silicon Valley where the cost of living is skyrocketing, and competition is becoming increasingly fierce for work. I don't have a nest egg, nor can I expect for any other support to come in. Even if I were to get disability, that wouldn't do much justice.
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